This post may seem a little ramble-y, as I don’t have a completely clear and stated thought on the whole thing yet, but so much of my spiritual growth lately has been centered around this area that I felt I had to post about it before talking about anything else. :P
Anyway, the Lord has been convicting me of an area of sin in my life that I hardly knew was there. Yes, I had been aware that some part of this sin is in all of us, but never recognized it so plainly in myself.
I am speaking, naturally, of pride.
But this pride was not an honest pride in me, like the sort that makes you glad about something you did well, or even a pride that admires itself, and then laughingly admits it does so. This pride was that sneaking, insidious variety that patronizes its fellow man and then calls itself humble.
Yes, I have been a willing victim to thinking too much of myself…and that’s dumb. So let’s start with the intellectual superiority bit.
This sort of thing starts with perhaps a more knowledge-based mindset. I love reading, history intrigues me, I enjoy learning new things (especially new information about things). None of these is wrong! But then I started to see the society that busies themselves with these pursuits, and was mentally put myself among them because of my interest: they are the wealthy, the intelligent, the philosophical and philanthropic (usually self-proclaimed). But usually they have let this go to their heads and it ruined them: in short, they are the snobs.
Add to this the currents fads of poetically helpless melancholy and introversion, and you have yourself the perfect recipe for intellectual superiority. For me, it didn’t start hard or fast, but rather with a thought: “I prefer thus-and-such music, and they listen to so-and-so. My choice is more educated…heh. Bully for me.” And so it went, though not often in so many words.
But here’s a question—who are “they” in the thought above? Well, mostly anyone who didn’t share the same tastes and interests as myself. Yes, it’s embarrassing to say, but I have been a fool, and it feels good to admit it.
The funny thing about pride is that letting one kind in often opens the door to another. This is what has happened to me. After watering and weeding my sweet little garden of “I’m-so-smart” for a while, those weeds (for that’s what they really are) began creeping into other areas of my life and thoughts, tainting almost every area, it would seem. (More posts on these areas later.)
The problem is that sin is rarely a clearly-stated thought in my head: “I think I am better than everyone, yet somehow still humble. Indeed, I am a miracle of godliness.” It is rather a feeling, or a sub-thought, or a sneer. I’ve pandered to it instead of yanking it out by the roots or just walking away when it shows itself.
So the Lord has been showing me this sin and gently leading me away from it. It’s hard, having to stop at each thought, and then pull it out and replant it if it’s wrong. But I have honestly been so disgusted with myself that it almost feels good.
And you know what? It feels so good to be a fallible human again. It feels good to see how wrong I’ve been, and to make a fresh start of it. I’m normal again—I need my Father’s help as much as the next person, and know I can’t do it by myself. But He always can.
Off to re-learn the love walk,